I am woman, hear me roar!

While I love celebrating Helen on Mother's Day, I think it's just a cool holiday for women in general.  We celebrate our moms, grandmas, sisters, aunts, nieces, friends, and just women in general.  I am extremely lucky to be surrounded by strong, independent, intelligent women of all ages, so I just want to say thank you to them for influencing my life in one way or another.

Is your refrigerator running?...

    Sometimes it still amazes me that there was a time in my life when cellphones didn't exist.  When I had to stand in the kitchen and punch in numbers to talk to my friends.  When it was a big deal to have your own phone in your bedroom.  Now, I very, VERY rarely talk on the phone.  If I have something to say to someone I text them, or email them, or post it on their Facebook wall, or Tweet them, or Instagram them, or go old school with a MySpace comment, or Snap Chat them, or talk to them on MyFitnessPal, or send them something through Pinterest or Wanelo, or send them a video with Keek or Vine, oh and now there's Path, if I can ever figure out how to use it.  Catch my drift?  It's truly amazing how many Social Networks there are and how much communication has changed.
    This brings me to my story.  Back in the old'n days, when caller ID wasn't that common, I loved, and mastered, the art of prank calling.  I was in elementary school, so I wasn't exactly at my peak, but I thought I was pretty darn good.  My favorite prank calls were pretending to be a doctors office or something of that nature.  So, I would wait until Helen and Jeff were outside or busy, and I would grab the phonebook and phone, and stretch the cord into my bedroom.  I flipped through the pages and picked numbers that belonged to funny names.  I called a few and kept getting their answering machines, which was rather boring.  Now, as I said before, I wasn't exactly at my peak, so being the genius that I am, I started leaving messages.
    The messages were something like, "Hello, Mrs. Butts, this is Peggy from Doctor Flemming's office, we just wanted to let you know that your test results are in, so you can call us back at (random number).  Thank you!"  I left dozens of messages like those, pretending to be a doctors office, a dentist office, an eye doctors office, you name it.
    I eventually got tired of it and put the phonebook and phone away and went outside to play.  I was running around Null Addition when I heard, "KELLLLLLLLLIIIIIEEEEEEEEE!! Get in here!! Now!!" coming from my front door.  I took my time and slowly walked back to the house to find a mad and slightly embarrassed Helen.  She said in a snappy tone, "Kellie, do you have an eyeglass prescription ready for pick-up?"  Busted.
    Apparently some people did have caller ID after all and had called back.  Oopsie.  I lost my phone privileges for awhile, and even after that my calls had to be supervised.  A small price to pay for the fun that was had.

Helen's Special Day

Today is Helen's 60th Birthday!!  Might I say, she looks damn good! Tara and I are SO blessed to have a mom like Helen!  Now, you know how much I love to tell Helen stories, so I have to blog today.

Mom and I used to work together at USDA RD before she retired a couple of  years ago.  We frequently made trips to Wal-Mart together on our lunch breaks so Helen could stock up on 50 cases of Diet Dr. Pepper, commonly known as her weekly supply.  She absolutely cannot function without it.  "My Strange Addiction," here we come! This particular day was cold and snowy, and everyone was bundled up when they came in the store.  That is everyone, but one.  The man in line in front of us was in a wheel chair, and he was simply minding his own business as the cashier scanned his items.  Helen noticed that he was wearing shorts, and if you know Helen, she has to say something if someone is not dressed properly for the weather.  So, she piped up and said, "Well don't you think it's a little too cold for shorts!?"  I turned around just as the last words were leaving her mouth and looked at the man.  He had prothestic legs.  He didn't say a word, just smiled, grabbed his bags, and wheeled away.  All we could do was laugh.  I mean, come on!  How does that happen!?  I wish I could say Helen learned her lesson, but she didn't.  I don't think she ever will!

The point of my story is that Helen is now the BIG 6-0, and when you're 60, you can say and do whatever the hell you want to!  Happy Birthday, Helen!  I love you so very much! :)

My First 5K!

I'm not much of a runner. In fact, I loathe running.  I swear I have ADD or ADHD or LMAO or one of those letter things.  I get SO bored with running after about 60 seconds.  I, however, signed up for the Dirty Girl Mud Run 5K that was at Coonskin Park in Charleston, WV this past Saturday.  I figured, if I was going to do a 5K, the money was going to go to breast cancer, and there better be pink, tutus, and tiaras involved.  Due to various circumstances my original team self-destructed, so one of the trainers at Snap Fitness in Winfield (where I teach Zumba) invited me to be on her team!  We were team "Tatas & Tiaras." :)

As race day grew closer, I wanted to get out of it more and more.  Unfortunately, my money had been paid and there was no turning back, which turned out to be a good thing because I'm super happy I went through with it.  Anywho, as you can see, the name of the game is "get muddy."  SO not me.  Our team was spread out throughout the course.  We had some runners who were really in shape, some people who were just there for fun, and then me, right in the middle!  The race was a 5K with 12 obstacles, which varied from inflatable bouncy thingies, to mud pits, to rope ladders.  After the first 2 obstacles I was thinking "Oh dear Lord, what have I done!?" but once I got into the swing of things I was a'movin and a'groovin.

I must say, I am REALLY proud of myself for doing this run!  Although it wasn't competitive or timed, I sort of faced some fears.  I ran almost all of it, aside from the parts that were just so muddy that you couldn't run.  I did it pretty much alone, and I didn't need anyone to push me or cheer me on, which is awesome because I was self-motivated.  I climbed up things that were way too high for my liking, and I went down a big slide, and I hate water slides.  Most importantly, I army crawled through freezing cold mud pits! Yes, me! (Hence the face haha)

Before I got on the shuttle bus to go to Coonskin, I met a woman while waiting.  She was probably in her 50s, very tiny, and because she was the only one wearing camo amongst all the hot pink, she stuck out.  We chatted about the weather and and made comments about a few outfits before she asked me if I knew anyone with breast cancer.  I told her I knew a few people and that my Grammie passed away with breast cancer several years ago.  She lifted her shirt and showed me her flat chest and said she had been cancer-free for 6 years and she was running for the people who couldn't.  Throughout the race, I thought of her quite a few times, and I knew she was running alone, so I made sure to congratulate her when she crossed the finish line.  I never caught her name, but I hope she knows how much I appreciate her spirit.  I desperately hope that if I am ever in that situation, I can share her strength and positive attitude.  I, like many others, signed up for this run to donate a little money and jump in mud.  By the end of the day, I appreciated the run a little more.  It makes it that much more fun to know that what you did really meant something to someone.

My Tips and Tricks for Faking Sick/Injuries

As a little girl, I was quite the drama queen, and some of you will probably argue that I still am.  I AM NOT!  I loved attention.  Let me say this again, I LOVED attention.  I found that being sick or injured got you a lot of that.

I started out with the classic "I don't feel good, my belly hurts," but that only worked for a short amount of time before Helen wised up to what I was doing.  I knew I had to take action if I wanted to be taken seriously.  So, I would wake up in the morning and do some exercises to get myself into character.  Think of something sad to get the watery-teared look in my eyes, and then jump around so that I would be warm, maybe even getting some perspiration on my forehead.  I would moan to Helen about how sick I was and she would keep me home from school.  This method was good for now, but I knew I could do better.

My second grade year of school was a particularly rough year for me.  I hated my teacher, and I was miserable in her class.  She was rude and mean, and I dreaded having to converse with her in any way at all.  Which was really sad because I have always loved school, especially reading, and she really put a damper on it for me.  It wasn't until 5th grade that my grades went back to where they had been previously.  Anywho, because I hated her and school so much, I faked sick at least once a week to avoid it.  This was when I developed my best skills.

One that I tried, but it failed miserably was the fake throw up.  The night before I would be sure to eat something in front of Helen, like a banana.  I would then grab a banana, some water, and what we called "the throw up bucket" and go into my bedroom.  I would mash and mix and then make noises like I was sick, but, unfortunately, Helen was too smart for that one.

Another trick that worked a few times was running a washcloth under hot water and then laying it on my forehead while I ran the thermometer under the hot water and returned it to the cabinet.  I would have mom feel my head and then run in and get the hot thermometer so I would have a slight fever of 99.9 degrees!

Unfortunately faking sick was getting harder and harder.  This was when I decided it was time to play with the big dogs and fake an injury.  We ran and played outside a lot, so it wasn't uncommon that we would twist our ankles or get stung by bees.  One day I came home limping, claiming I hurt my ankle.  I went to bed and woke the next day to a regular looking ankle.  I knew this would not do.  I grabbed some of my eye shadows from my pretty princess make-up kit and played make-up artist on my ankle.  I powdered on some blues and browns so that it looked bruised, and limped through the house to show Helen.  It worked! They were pretty convinced that it was sprained and I got to stay home that day!  The next day I still wasn't ready to go back to school, so I claimed it was even worse.  They took me to the doctor for an X-Ray, which of course revealed there was nothing wrong.  I was so proud of myself, although little did I know the doctor and Helen had a chat.  I thought I was homefree until Helen started talking about cancelling my birthday party, which was the next day.

It was a miracle! I could walk again!  Helen and Jeff were pretty mad after that one, and I started to lay off on my faking.  Once I had cleared second grade, I was in the clear and I no longer needed to fake sick anyway!

Stobelight Spotlight

I grew up in a neighborhood in Midway called Null Addition.  In the eyes of an adult it was great property on the river with huge backyards, yet it was still far enough away from the railroad tracks.  However, it was an entirely different world to us kids growing up there.  Huge yards, railroad tracks, a small wooded area, and a river created the perfect recipe for adventure.  We created games and acted out various scenarios all day, but when it started to get dark, it was time for spotlight.

I was 4 or 5 years younger than the youngest players, and probably 10 or more years younger than the older ones, so Helen and Jeff didn't let me play.  I was occasionally allowed to sit outside on the porch and "help" the big kids count.  So, night after night I would watch as all of the kids in our neighborhood and surrounding neighborhoods would dress in black, navy, and camo and gather on our front porch, which was always home base.  They would set the boundaries and go over the rules, then stand in a circle, turn on the flashlight, and spin it around.  Where the flashlight pointed when it stopped marked the person that was "It."  Everyone would scatter to hide, and the person that was "It" would sit on the porch and begin counting.

I wanted to play so badly, and before each game I begged and begged to play with the big kids.  I think they all had made a secret deal with my parents because none of them really wanted to watch me.  They all wanted to concentrate on finding their amazing hiding spots, which our dog, Pokey, usually gave away.  If someone was in a tree, he would sit under the tree looking up at them.  If someone was hiding under or behind an object, there Pokey sat, staring away.  When Helen and Jeff wanted all of the kids to go home so they could go to bed, they would send Pokey out with a bright, red, blinking, strobe light clipped to the collar around his neck, so he would give away all of the hiding spots.

One night Helen and Jeff had a new idea for the light.  They decided that I could go out and play spotlight if I wore the light around my waist.  I was SO excited.  I ran to my room and put on my black pants, shirt, and old play tennis shoes, then they strapped a belt around my waist, clipped on the light, and turned it on.  It was like Rudolph's nose, blinking a bright red.  Helen and Jeff instructed Pokey to watch me and stay with me.  I went into the dark, and just as they had hoped, no matter where I hid, the red light flashed, and Pokey followed close behind.  So while they always knew where I was, unfortunately, so did everyone else.  I was too scared to hide alone, so I tagged along with Tara, Beth, or Christi.  While most of the "Its" weren't mean enough to spotlight me, I was giving away hiding spots!

Tara, a very serious spotlighter, was not pleased!  She was not very fond of being caught, and was usually a very good hider, which is precisely why I hid with her!  She helped me climb trees, standing under me and shoving my butt up into the air until I could swing my leg over a branch.  She was very patient at first, but she just couldn't take the light anymore.  The next round she made me lay on my stomach in the grass, so the light wouldn't be visible.  As I laid there in the cold, wet dew of the grass, I started contemplating whether or not this "spotlight" was for me.  I started to lift my head, and Tara snapped "DON'T MOVE!"  I quickly buried my face in the ground, but then I felt something.  I don't know what it was, but I didn't like it!  I tried to move my head to the side, but it followed, and I laid there in panic, contemplating how mad Tara would be if I got up and ran!  Just then Tara jumped to her feet and said "Let's go!"  It was lucky for me because I had already made the silent decision to high-tail it out of there!  Tara was much, MUCH faster than me, but this time I was keeping up, and Pokey was close behind!  As soon as my foot touched home base, I unstrapped that belt, letting the blinking light fall to my feet, and swatted at my face and body to make sure whatever that awful creature was didn't come with me.  I announced that "I QUIT," and marched into the house, slamming the door behind me.

Looking back, I have to appreciate everyone that played with us for being such good sports.  I know it had to be SO annoying, but I never begged Helen and Jeff to play spotlight after that.  I had learned my lesson, and I had also decided that spotlight just wasn't my cup of tea.  I would play occasionally when I was a little bit older and Toni would come down to play, but by that time most of the kids were in high school and college, and had lost interest.  I can't say that I was that heartbroken about it! 

Cleansing for the New Year

That's right! The USDA and FSA girls took on the Dr. Oz 3 day Detox Cleanse!  When you work with a lot of women, it isn't uncommon to try diets together.  Since I've been here, we've done just about every diet in the book together. Weight Watchers, Cabbage Soup, Body by Vi, you name it.  Someone always falls off the wagon and eventually drags everyone else with them.  This is definitely NOT an easy diet to follow, even though it is only 3 days.  I am happy to report that Loren and  I made it the entire 3 days!  Tracey and Laura both lasted until dinner on the third day, and poor Carolyn just couldn't stomach the shakes after the first day!  As you can see from the picture, each day you drink green tea, a breakfast shake, a lunch shake, a snack shake, and a dinner shake, then you soak in a bath of Epsom salt and lavender. 

Day one is definitely the easiest day because you are excited and motivated!  We started out with our green tea and breakfast shake, measuring everything out perfectly, then reassured each other that the shakes really aren't that bad, and we can do this!  Which was true, the breakfast shake is my favorite, and it tastes mostly like banana and almond butter. I always repeat it as my snack shake.

Everything was fine and dandy...until lunch time.  We mixed up the concoction of greens and behold, the shake looked like the vomit from the exorcist movie.  It was awful.  All you could taste was celery!  I hate celery, so this was especially terrible for me, but everyone else agreed that it was horrid.  Three of us reluctantly choked it down, and the other two just decided to go hungry.  On days two and three we decided to just eat the celery, and leave it out of the shake.  This made a HUGE difference, and the shake was actually decent.

We brought to-go cups and made the dinner shake before we left, so we could wait until later in the evening to drink it.  We made our snack shakes and sipped on those as we prepared our delicious dinner.  The dinner shake wasn't terrible, but the cayenne pepper taste was not my favorite.

After the final detox weigh-in, I lost 8 pounds, which is pretty freaking good for 3 days!  I feel great!  I have plenty of energy and strength, and I was able to attend/teach Zumba classes with no problem.  I was only hungry at night before I went to bed, but then again I usually am!  My only complaint about this detox is that it is a huge hassle.  If I wasn't doing it with 4 other women, I probably wouldn't have finished the 3 days.  It is difficult to find and buy all of the ingredients, and then measuring, chopping, preparing, and blending everything takes entirely too much time and effort.

Would I do it again?  Definitely.  It's really not THAT bad.  It's just fun to joke about how terrible it is.  Like I said, I don't know if I could do it alone, but if the girls at work wanted to do it again, I would be game!  I wouldn't mind doing it once a month just to keep myself clean and detoxed, but I don't know if I could ever convince them to do it again!